BAFTA-MANIA: Read our TV BAFTAs 2013 liveblog for all sorts of nonsense
9.54: Shh, Michael Palin is speaking.
9.50: And Michal Palin wins the BAFTA Fellowship Award. Remember: you can catch up on all the winners here.
9.47: Python Terry Jones is out to present fellow Python Michael Palin with an Award. He seems to be accidentally stuck in 'Monty Python lady voice' mode. It's pretty amazing to see Michael Palin go from grizzly bear-wrestling maniac to revered travel journalist in a 60-second edit.
9.45: Sheridan Smith manages to cry harder than Olivia Colman, which takes some doing.
9.42: Leading Actress category is packed with talent, and Sienna Miller. Weird to see her, like, actually acting. Sheridan Smith wins though, obviously.
9.38: WOAH. Alan Carr WON. Obviously, Alan Carr is great. But he beat Ant and actual DEC.
9.36: Matt LeBlanc and Stephen Mangan are up to read the Best Entertainment Performance nominations: Graham Norton is up for one again. We hope he wins again, because last time he won a BAFTA (70 minutes ago) he suddenly got funny. He won't beat Ant and Dec, though.
9.31: Grayson Perry wins the Award for Specialist Factual, for his documentary on bad taste. He came up on stage in a dress and shoulder-length gloves and massive eyelashes. Here's Tina Malone again:
9.27: Sanjeev Bhaskar up to present an Award. If Sanjeev Bhaskar is qualified to present an Award, then heat's live blogger is qualified to present an Award. WE HAVE A SUIT, BAFTA. I ANTICIPATE YOUR CALL.
9.25: Game of Thrones wins the audience choice award, and two fully-clothed actors came on stage to accept. CONFUSED. WHO ARE THEY.
9.22: Sarah Millican up to present the Radio Times award. She got a single whoop. Should've got at least two. Here's Sarah, in conversation with heat's own Lucie Cave on the red carpet earlier: "Where did you get your dress from, Sarah?" "The Trafford Centre."
9.19: It autocorrected, okay?
9.18: Jenna Coleman is up to present an award, and in a desperate attempt to Google her name [1] we accidentally (ACCIDENTALLY) Googled 'Jenna Coleman + hot'. That's forever on heat's machine, now. Tarred with the Jenna Coleman + hot Google stick.
[1] Trying to make a Coleman/Colman joke but honestly, readers, there isn't one
9.10: "After the recent birth of my child I had twenty-three stitches in my vagina, so I didn't think I'd be laughing for a long time." INTRODUCTORY SENTENCE OF THE EVENING. Well done, Romola Garai.
9.09: EastEnders temporarily interrupts Olivia Colman Day to win Best Continuing Drama, and Shane Ritchie comes up to accept the Award. We once went to Thorpe Park with Shane Ritchie. He "f**king loved" Swarm. Little Shane Ritchie fact for you, there.
9.04: Soap and Continuing Drama award is up next. Hollyoaks is criminally overlooked, again. Shameless is up for one, though. REMINDER:
9.01: Olivia Colman is up for another Award, this time for best Female Performance in a Comedy. The dehydrated remains of Bruce Forsyth are presenting the Award. OH SHE'S WON ANOTHER ONE.
8.57: Great British Bake Off just won a BAFTA so hard our liveblogger's computer crashed. Here's Mary Berry telling us about her solo show next year: BOOM.
8.51: You can read the Made in Chelsea cast being all posh and happy about their BAFTA win right here. We're doing that right now because the emotional intensity of watching Clare Balding win a BAFTA is making us a bit teary. IT'S LIKE JOEY ESSEX PROPOSING ALL OVER AGAIN.
8.48: We are now celebrating Lovely Clare Balding:
8.46: Now Made in Chelsea and TOWIE both have BAFTAs. Geordie Shore next year, please. Imagine Charlotte staggering up on stage and pissing herself. "GAZ MAN WE WON A BAFTA," you know. That sort of thing. How do we make this happen.
8.43: Best Reality goes to Made in Chelsea, which is a big one, beating Young Apprentice and I'm a Celeb. Lord Sugar looks like a big sad shrivelled human walnut as they walked to the stage. Hard to tell if he had any feelings one way or another about it.
8.40: Graham Norton won for that time Miriam Margoyles was really racist to will.i.am. His acceptance speech was actually good. BE NICE IF YOU COULD DO THIS FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING, PLEASE, GRAY-GRAY.
8.39: HE PUT A KEY THROUGH A PAIR OF HEADPHONE CORDS. HOW.
8.38: Best Entertainment nominees are being announced. Dynamo literally should not be allowed to win. The man is not human. He is a wizard. Let us hope he never goes rogue and kills us.
8.35: It's Olivia Colman and she is crying. Everyone is crying. IT'S LIKE JOEY ESSEX PROPOSING TO SAM FAIERS AGAIN.
8.32: It's Olivia Colman.
8.31: Martin Freeman (who came on to huge whoops and hollers, because everybody loves Sherlock) came out and did so many Tim-from-The-Office faces that we had to down our drink. He's presenting the Supporting Actress award, and it could be any of them. It's probably going to be Olivia Colman, though.
8.26: Ant and Dec are wearing matching tuxes. Can't be long before they slowly morph into one mecha-duo, can it, Ant absorbing Dec entirely into his forehead, his cheeky little grin is all that's left of him. "Howay," their two mouths will say, in eerie unison. "And welcome to I'm a Celebrity, 2021: DEATHMATCH EDITION." Little vision of the future there. They just gave a BAFTA to Twenty Twelve, Olivia Colman's first of the night.
8.24: We've got all the best red carpet looks, too, in this gallery. UNRELATED: Someone just said "nose against her tits" on the television. It was something to do with Supporting Actors. Anyway here is Millie Mackintosh.
8.22: You can read a list of winners as-they-happen right now, without spoilers (most of what you're seeing right now happened an hour ago. WEIRD, RIGHT?): Boom.
8.20: Minor technical hitch as one of the Paralympic team has trouble with the stairs, because obviously. FIRE WHOEVER WAS IN CHARGE OF RAMPS.
8.18: As far as we can tell the Best Sporting Coverage Award is between 'the Olympics', 'the Olympics', 'the Paralympics' and 'Andy Murray crying'.
8.17: Dermot O'Leary and Jamie Redknapp are presenting an award together, which is mad. That is a mad combination. Jamie Redknapp hs gone for 'slightly less tight trousers than usual', for those who like that sort of thing. JR's having a chafe-free afterparty.
8.15: And the BAFTA goes to: Last Tango in Halifax *furiously reads Wikipedia synopsis*
8.13: Tiny-mouthed man and Homeland star Damian Lewis has just made a strong case for replacing Graham Norton entirely for next year's show. He's presenting Best Drama, along with David Harewood.
8.11: Rylan trying to shout his body out through his mouth has quite rightly been featured in the pre-BAFTA round-up of the year's best TV. What they are basically saying is 'Rylan crying' is as good, if not better, than the actual Olympics. Yes.
8.08: Not so much everyone else.
8.05: Ian Hislop is LOVING Graham Norton. Good for you, Ian Hislop.
8.03: One minute into Graham Norton talking to the camera and we're pretty sure we prefer him getting drunk and slamming the Eurovision contestants
8.02: MADE IN CHELSEA BAFTA UPDATE: Spencer Matthews is there with Lucy Watson, Andy is there with Louise. What does it mean? WHAT does it MEAN?
8.01: One of the early shots of the BBC coverage saw Holly Willoughby kiss one of the extremities of a Dalek in a way which we're sure won't be at all abused by the Internet
7.55: It's sort of chaotic at the BAFTAs right now, obviously, so we're not getting a whole lot of gossip from our on-the-ground team. "Might have seen Pudsey on the red carpet," is all we've had so far. "That said, might have just been an errant dog." MORE AS WE GET IT.
7.51: Obviously the big question though is "why wasn't the last season of The Only Way is Essex nominated for every single TV BAFTA", which, luckily, is a question we have decided to write about at length below:
SEVEN REASONS WHY THE LATEST SERIES OF THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX SHOULD ABSOLUTELY HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR A BAFTA TV AWARD THIS YEAR IN EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY, AN IMPROMPTU ESSAY, BY HEATWORLD:
Yeah you see the BAFTA TV panel think they know what's up, don't they, but they don't, do they, because for some idiot reason they neglected to nominate the latest cycle of The Only Way Is Essex in every single category of the TV BAFTAs this year. Here is why that was the wrong thing to do, category-by-category:
DRAMA SERIES: Joey Essex cried four entire times in the last series of TOWIE – five if you count the live episode – and he cried especially hard when forced apparently at gunpoint to propose to Sam Faiers. WHAT MORE DRAMA DO YOU NEED, BAFTA BODS.
CONTINUING DRAMA: BOBBY HAD A FUNERAL FOR HIS CAR. A FUNERAL. FOR HIS CAR.
INTERNATIONAL: Those twins that turned up in the first episode had some pretty exotic accents, so. So, you know. That's basically international.
ENTERTAINMENT PERFORMANCE: If you were not entertained by That Guy With The Husky Voice Who Didn't Blink Very Often trying to get it on with That Girl Who Is Friends With Jasmine And Who Once Snogged Diags then reader, you are dead inside.
FEATURES: The features category is typically for the kind of documentaries that make you cry at around the 45-minute mark and also educate, which, in the world of TOWIE, translates to a single scene of Bobby nodding relentlessly at a fertility expert while he very slowly explained to him how much a baby costs.
REALITY AND CONSTRUCTED FACTUAL: In years to come you will open the Oxford English Dictionary and turn to the page that defines 'Reality TV' and all you will see is a picture of James 'Arg' Agent bulkily riding a horse.
SITUATION COMEDY: Pretty sure everything Danny Walia said this season – and, indeed, everything he has ever said in his short and crazy life – was scripted by whoever it was who did The Inbetweeners movie. Sitcom gold.
So, yes, pretty sure those seven reasons absolutely sum up why TOWIE should be winning every BAFTA this year. Why are we even holding the BAFTA TV Awards this year. Cancel the ceremony, send all the busts to Nanny Pat. Everyone just go home. The liveblog is cancelled.
7.48: Oh right you want to see our BAFTA coverage so far? Okay. We have a Star Style special on how to get your make-up did all BAFTA style here. We have a now-no-longer-live-livestream of the red carpet -- featuring Lucie Cave, Boyd Hilton, Holly Willoughby, Dermot O'Leary, Dec from out of Ant and Dec and others -- here. And we've also got this really rather important picture of Tina Malone right here:
7.43: Yes, it's that time of year again: BAFTA time. "Wait," you're thinking. "Hold up. Wasn't there a BAFTAs in, like, February?" No. "No, I'm sure there was," you continue to think. "Stephen Fry had a little beard and very poshly said the word 'lubricant'." Again, no. That was the film BAFTAs, all won by mainly Ben Affleck. This is the TV BAFTAs, all won mainly by Olivia Colman and/or the cast of Emmerdale. Please pay attention.
Anyway to celebrate what we are unofficially calling 'Olivia Colman from off of Broadchurch and also Peep Show Day 2013', heat has caught BAFTA-mania, as in, we are at the BAFTAs, we are livestreaming the BAFTAs, and we are also liveblogging the BAFTAs. This is the liveblog. Welcome.
As is tradition with heat's liveblogging exploits, we have formulated a drinking game to make the simple act of watching classically trained persons in suits congratulate other classically trained persons in suits if possible more fun. Now: you don't have to play at home with vast tankards of alcohol, as we are. You can sip tea and eat biscuits. But here are the things to watch out for: follow the rules diligently, do not in any way waver. Oh, right, and: have fun.
THE 2013 BAFTA TV AWARDS, THE DRINKING GAME
+ DRINK! Whenever Graham Norton has a sudden juddering flashback to his Channel 4 heyday and starts saying things like 'bum' and 'bum things'
+ DRINK! If you haven't seen Last Tango in Halifax because it's going to be a long night if you haven't seen Last Tango in Halifax because nobody will shut up about how good Last Tango in Halifax was (N.B. Your heatworld live blogger has not seen Last Tango in Halifax and is going to have to take a full minute out this evening to read the Wikipedia synopsis)
+ DRINK! If you can't quite remember whether they are called the BAFTA TV Awards 2013 or the TV BAFTAs or even if it's BAFTA or Bafta and you have to write a liveblog for a high-traffic website and you are mildly freaking out
+ DRINK! Whenever someone 'is a Dame' or a Sir or some other sort of low-level honour
+ DRINK! Whenever Sherlock's Martin Freeman pulls a Tim-from-The Office face
+ DRINK! Whenever heat's own Boyd Hilton, who is also hosting the winners' press conference, says 'Arsenal'
+ DRINK! Whenever someone calls Olivia Colman a 'golden girl'
+ DRINK! Whenever Lord Sugar looks like a walnut who was turned by a witch into a human and is mad about it
+ CHUG YOUR DRINK! If heat's unnerving suspicion that Emeli Sandé is going to make an appearance comes true. It feels odd, having an Awards show without Emeli Sandé there, doesn't it? It's been a while since we've seen Emeli Sandé. Sandé is biding her time, waiting. Where is Sandé? What is she plotting? Anyway, yeah, chug your drink if she turns up, being all Scottish and omnipresent.
Via: BAFTA-MANIA: Read our TV BAFTAs 2013 liveblog for all sorts of nonsense
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